Hockey: The Secret to Self Improvement

"Self-help" is a multibillion dollar industry. Some search desperately for meaning through spirituality or environmental responsibility. Others use motivational tools to cause career advancement or financial independence. Still others desire to overcome their addictions like food, drugs, and alcohol, in which case, "self-help" becomes the addiction. I've got a strategy for self improvement that doesn't involve Oprah, Tony Robbins, Dr. Phil or awkward support groups: play hockey.

Regardless of the level of hockey you play, just being able to say, "I play hockey," gives you an edge over a non-hockey player. There's an unspoken uneasiness about people when they find out you're a hockey player. The typical response is a high-pitched, "Oh!" which is short for, "I'm shocked you're willing to subject yourself to that level of brutality. Is everything going OK for you?"

Hockey is like Fight Club. You'll show up to work after a game with bruises and cuts on your arms and people will say, "For cripes sake! What the hell happened to you?" You'll calmly reply, "Eh, I dunno. Hockey." Blammo. People start thinking you're either a total badass, clinically insane or a little of both and they'd rather not know any more than that. Suddenly your scrawny 127-pound frame feels like that of the Incredible Hulk and your confidence skyrockets.

Hockey will also whip you into shape physically. If your only current calorie burning activities are typing and struggling to hold your eyelids open during the weekly staff meeting, your first few hockey games will be absolute hell. You'll be driven to your physical limits, mostly because you'll be a terrible hockey player, but you won't want an opposing player to make you look like an epileptic fawn as they skate by and you flail hysterically to keep your balance.

To avoid a rerun of this scene, you will improve your skills at a dramatic rate. This will require tremendous focus and determination to put mind over body. The extra brain power you harvest will give you great insight. You'll be like Neo when he figures out that he is the One, and that the previous trip to the Oracle was just a ruse to get him to keep honing his mental spoon bending talents.

With your new skills, you might be poised to become very wealthy as a hockey player. You could make enough to replace your 1983 Corolla if you're really good. The earning potential for a professional hockey player far exceeds that of most desk jobs. You’ll never again experience the rage of hearing, “Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays,” or “Can you work a little overtime this weekend?” Your nine month schedule will be printed at the beginning of your work season.

Your hockey body won't look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but it won't look like Rosie O'Donnell either and there are plenty of acceptable body types in that spectrum. You'll look better, feel better, and think better - and who knows, maybe you'll earn more. "Fear" won't be in your vocabulary. (Although, "fear" might be replaced with a few expletives courtesy of locker room conversation. No self-improvement plan is perfect.) You'll have a lot more fun than you would at one of those lame group meetings too. So for the sake of your mind, body, spirit, and possibly your finances, go play hockey.