Lessons Learned from the 2008 Beijing Olympics

Now that the 2008 Beijing Olympics have ended and we've had a few days, let's reflect on what we've learned about China, competition and life over those two exciting weeks.

China will Dominate the World: From opening to closing ceremony, the Chinese put on a spectacle like no other, intended mostly to scare the crap out of us. Their soldiers marched around an arena full of spectators, their drummers had to learn to smile (however awkwardly), they faked an astronomical fireworks show and they even had an adorable girl lip-synch a song while the real, more homely singer was hidden behind closed doors (probably in a poorly lit chamber crawling with salamanders). Their cheerleaders danced for more than two hours straight while each country marched into the "Bird's Nest" to start the Games. I hope their military doesn't have that kind of stamina. How many billions of these people are there? Check please!

USA Men's Basketball is Still the Best: So they lost in Athens and in the 2006 World Championships. Big deal. Those teams didn't have Kobe Bryant and even though he's a jerk, I wouldn't bet against him in a game of horse. Team USA defeated Spain in the gold medal game by eleven points. Coming into the game, USA's average margin of victory was 30 points. That's not competition, that's destruction. The only team that can beat Team USA is Team USA. Let that be a lesson to the Pau Gasols and the Manu Ginobilis of the international basketball community. We invented this game.

USA Men's Soccer is Still Bad: In the USA, soccer is to youth sports as weed is to illicit drugs. It's the gateway sport. It's the activity that determines whether more important sports (baseball, football) will be in your child's future. While the rest of the world quits work for the duration of the World Cup, Americans ignore it. Why? Because we know we have no chance of winning. Olympic soccer is no exception.

Speedo Makes a Full Body Suit: My references to Speedos usually call to mind a swimsuit just large enough to cover the precious package. Little did I know they make a full body suit that squishes your fat into one slim, aerodynamic vehicle to make you swim faster. It costs $600 and is called the LZR Racer. I'll be rethinking my Speedo jokes in light of this information.

Weightlifting is Bad for Your Joints: Hungarian weightlifter Janos Baranyai turned his elbow inside out while attempting to lift 326 pounds with his own arms. This is convenient for me. I had been looking for another reason not to lift weights. "It's boring, it's difficult, television exists, and, oh, I don't want to turn my elbows inside out." Humans invented forklifts to avoid this type of physical labor.

Even China Thinks Led Zeppelin is Awesome: As part of the closing ceremony to represent the handover of the Olympic torch from Beijing to London, former Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page rocked the crowd with "Whole Lotta Love." In other Led Zeppelin news, frontman, Robert Plant got exponentially hotter:

There Are Sports that No Man Cares About: In the time between Olympic competitions I forget that there are sports that no man enjoys. Atop that list are gymnastics, synchronized swimming, fencing, sailing and badminton. While our wives and girlfriends complain that all we ever do is watch sports, we should remind them that there are many hours of television devoted to equestrian events and cycling that we do not partake of.

One of the Greatest Olympians Ever Has Huge Feet and Eats 12,000 Calories Per Day: Michael Phelps won eight gold medals in Beijing and not only because of his size fourteen feet. He was fueled by a metric ton of pancakes. This is great news for people with weight problems (every American over the age of 18 minus the Olsen Twins). Here's the idea: if you want to eat like a porker, then exercise like an Olympian. Atkins, South Beach and cabbage soup aren't going to keep you trim. You know what will? Swimming twenty-three and a half hours every day.

There Are a Lot More Countries Than I Thought: Here's a list of some countries that participated in the Olympics this year that I've never heard of in my life (and I even listen to NPR occasionally): Benin, Bhutan, Comoros, Mauritius, Nauru, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Sau Tome and Principe, Timor-Leste, Tuvalu. There are hundreds of American cities with higher population than some of these countries. My vision of participating in the Olympics just got clearer. This blog post has been brought to you by Tuvalu's next Olympic trampolinist.