Animals Best Equipped to be Vice President

On September 3, 2008, resident GOP Goomah, Sarah Palin, fondled the imaginations of middle aged, Viagra chomping, gun-toting, red-blooded American men, saying, “...what is the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick.” This sent a very confusing message to hockey fans.

My reaction was as follows:

“Hockey MILF in charge when McCain kicks? God bless Amer...did she just compare herself to a dog? What the hell?”

Assuming a person holding an executive political office requires intelligence (the last eight years notwithstanding) why would Palin use the pit bull simile? Does this mean she is an aggressive person? Does she have an abusive relationship with Michael Vick? Does she bite? (Me likey.)

Turns out there numerous animals quite equipped to be the next veep and I, for one, am appalled that Governor Palin didn’t so much as mention any of them in her speech or even her automatonic interview with Charles Gibson a week later.

Palin certainly could have spoken of the chimpanzee, which is widely regarded as the most intelligent creature on earth next to man. Chimps started using tools almost 5,000 years ago and they have up to five times as much upper body strength as the average human male. For all the innuendo about the McNasty Maverick John McCain, a lone chimp would superplex him and sling butt mud in his face with little effort.

What about the gibbon? This smaller ape species has a wrist consisting of a ball and socket joint that allows it to cruise through the rain forest, swinging from branch to branch at thirty-five miles per hour. Imagine Sarah Palin campaigning on the strengths of her ball and socket joints. Priapism cases among male NRA members would go through the roof. Finally a collective republican boner unrelated to the Bush twins. McCain’s campaign is missing a great opportunity here.

I could go on about the primates, but what’s more shocking is the lack of attention and respect given to an animal that Palin should be intimately familiar with, because like Russia, she can see them from her house. I’m talking about killer whales. According to Wikipedia “Orcas are generally enthusiastic in their socializing, engaging in behaviors such as breaching, spyhopping, and tail-slapping.” Sounds like a GOP function if I’ve ever heard of one. 

I see this issue coming to the forefront as we learn more about Sarah’s husband Todd, who is part Yupik. In the Yupik tradition, it’s customary for sacrifices to be given to killer whales, that they may aid in a successful reindeer hunting season. Perhaps we’ll get to see this on inauguration day.

Or perhaps we’ll get to see the pig in lipstick referenced in a recent speech by Barack Obama. To their credit, pigs are thought to be more intelligent than three year old humans, which means they’re undeniably more intelligent than the Palin family sled dogs. A Penn State University study found that pigs can play and excel at joystick-controlled video games. I’m not sure Sarah can play and excel at joystick-controlled video games. Do they have video games in Alaska? Or electricity for that matter?

Sarah must answer these questions and others before I’ll be convinced that she would be a competent vice president. Just answering any question without talking points would be a start.