Apply for Your Piece of the Bailout Pie

A couple weeks ago I shared ideas to save money in these turbulent economic times. If eating dangerous quantities of Spam doesn't appeal to you, there is another remedy. As opposed to saving money and planning for your future, take a page out of Corporate America's book. Go to Capital Hill and beg for spare change.

You may tell yourself, "That would be a waste of time. They'll never give me anything." Last month, you also probably said, "The government would never give away $700 billion to companies employing the richest people on earth with a plan hacked together in a few weeks. Why should common folk be responsible for saving the so-called 'financial experts' who created this mess?" Touché.

Your first step is to hire a lobbyist. Look for someone dressed like a used car salesman whose breath smells like high-priced hookers and free all-inclusive alcohol. Do not confuse this person with an unemployed investment banker. These should be avoided, as they will bogart any bailout funds secured on your behalf, then stab you and drink your blood to add insult to injury. Upon your grizzly death, they'll set up a memorial fund in your honor and embezzle from it. (Bailout by death is a little extreme even for this tasteless blog.)

Step two is to impress upon your new lobbyist the gravity of your financial situation and your complete lack of control over it. Leave out the details. No one needs to know that 94% of your retirement funds are invested in pinball machines. No one needs to know that you've missed your last ten mortgage payments. No one needs to know that you've been making crappy cars for the past thirty years, which has completely ruined your reputation, making recovery from a financial disaster such as this nearly impossible. Recite the following, "I'm running out of money and there's nothing I can do about it."

Next, put on your best Karl Rove hat and publicly fear-monger like you never have before.  The stench of self-absorbed manipulation will wear off over time and you'll be richer for it. Explain the consequences of your potential financial ruin. Your family will suffer and if your family suffers, your neighbors and coworkers will suffer and if those people suffer, they'll quit their jobs. They'll have no money to put into the economy and they'll lose their homes. All of the businesses that lacked the foresight to prepare for a possible recession and paid their CEOs millions for masterminding the indiscriminate distribution of store credit to every shirt-wearing Joe Six Pack will fold up. What will be left of America?

Finally, rest your case and watch the dollars roll in. It's going to happen for Detroit soon. Why shouldn't it happen for you? 

Or are you one of those poor Americans who turns lemons into lemonade? Are you one of those overachievers who gets laid off and pounds the pavement to find another lower-paying job (or two if required). Are you one of those dopes who scrapes by on the pennies earned through odd jobs and an open mind. Are you one of those saps who gets suckered into going back to school and taking on a financial burden to invest in yourself? And you call yourself an American...