Four Lessons Learned From Recent Celebrity Deaths

The rash of recent celebrity deaths over the past two weeks and my Independence Day viewing of Gran Torino (SPOILER ALERT: Clint Eastwood gets his brains blown out at the end of the movie) had me looking for context in the wake of significant loss. What does it all mean? How are we supposed to feel? How does a 79-year-old man like Clint, who has produced numerous American classics, react when the giggly masses flock to Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs on Fourth of July weekend?

In my search for meaning I came up with the following lessons we can take from these difficult days.

Accusations of Pedophilia Fade Away If You're A Musical Phenom:

Dateline NBC often dedicates an entire hour of programming to Chris Hansen's show, To Catch a Predator. America watches as the seemingly clueless pedophiles stroll into a house expecting to take advantage of an underaged kid. Chris pops out of the woodwork with a microphone and cameras and asks the visitors what business they have in the house. Usually they're "delivering cookies," or "looking for jobs," or "trying to teach kids not to give out personal information on the Internet." As they leave, the cops pounce on them in the driveway and confiscate condoms and Coors Light from their cars. Next stop: National Sex Offender Registry.

Chris Hansen's web would never catch any of these creeps if they happened to be the main attraction of the Thriller video. They could simply build a sprawling mansion on a property named after an island in the Peter Pan fairytale, add a bunch of kiddie attracting carnival rides and let the sleepovers begin! Not to mention that Al Sharpton would come to their defense if anyone so much as questioned their intentions. If you invent a musical genre like Michael Jackson did, you can do no wrong.

Professional Athletes Having Mistresses Is Now Socially Acceptable:

I was sitting in a restaurant on Saturday when some shocking news scrolled across the bottom of the TV screen above me. ESPN reported that former NFL quarterback Steve McNair and his girlfriend had suffered fatal gunshot wounds. "What a terrible story," I thought. It seemed so random that a guy who had never made the news for the wrong reasons ended up being shot and killed so young.

As the details emerged, the story made a bit more sense. Steve's "girlfriend" was actually his "mistress." Steve had a wife and four kids and his lover suspected he was cheating on her with yet a third woman. Tabloids would refer to this as a "love parallelogram." Yet the rosy accounts of Steve's personal life continued to roll in. He was an asset to the community, a great father (save for the boinking of every third woman in Nashville), and most importantly, a model football player. There you have it. If you're a professional athlete, adultery is OK.

God Loves Infomercials:

When pitchman Billy Mays died, it was initially thought that his death may have been caused by a head trauma suffered while onboard a plane experiencing a rough landing. An autopsy later revealed that he died from heart disease and was taking the correct dosage of prescription pain killers for hip discomfort. While Billy can be accused of failing to impart upon Michael Jackson the importance of following the directions on the pill bottle, he otherwise appeared to be an average guy hellbent on keeping me awake at 2:30 in the morning with his OxyClean ads.

When looking for a reason why Billy passed, there's not too much to go on, save for a little plaque in the arteries and the strong possibility that God uses Mighty MendIt and wanted to thank Billy in person. I've never needed anything "As Seen on TV," but Billy's pitches made it hard to resist. Just typing this reminds me that I want some Hercules Hooks. They hold up to 150 pounds!

In Death, Even The Worst Men Are Made Heroes:

Michael Jackson was a predator, but no one can deny his contributions to music or his sick dance moves. Steve McNair was an adulterer, but on the football field, he played through more pain than any of us can imagine. Billy Mays had one of the most abrasive voices in television history, but he introduced us to some of the coolest products available for $19.99. Clint Eastwood's character in Gran Torino was an intolerant racist, but in the end, he made the ultimate sacrifice for an unlikely beneficiary. Are any of our perceptions about these characters entirely true? No. Like every other human, they have the capacity for tremendous good, and tremendous evil. But in the deaths of others, we see the fragility and conflict in our own lives. It seems only natural that we magnify their positive qualities and gloss over their flaws, however egregious they are. We're human too.

The Only Perfect Marriage: Man and Grill

I know this is hard to swallow ladies, but honesty is the first step to coping with your man's infidelities. The beautiful summer weather brings great temptation. It starts with a wandering eye in the backyard. The scent of her draws him in. It's not long before they form a steamy, epicurean tornado of sizzle and toe curling pleasure. By then it's too late. Your man has dumped you for another grill.

The bond between man and grill is time tested. Fire was man's first invention. I'm reasonably certain that barbecued mammoth was his second invention. The thought of an open flame is exciting to any male human. We put fireplaces in homes with highly efficient modern HVAC systems. Why? Because we like everything about fire. The look, the sound, and the heat generated by it make our inner cavemen happy.

Using an open flame to cook is a recipe for lustful engagement. Not only does it make a man feel useful in that he can finally make a meal for his family and friends, but it puts him in touch with his inner pyro. This is the character that quietly urges him to say "Screw you Smokey, I'm going to set this whole national park alight!" Thank God for grills.

There's no limit to what man can do with a grill either. You can burn all of those annoying credit card offers and "extended car warranty opportunities." You can give off smoke signals to your fellow grill-masters. You can roll it into your yard and keep people warm on a cold evening. It's like a Leatherman multi-tool, only better, because it's more dangerous.

Ah, sweet, delicious danger. If grilling appealed to man for no other reason, danger would keep him tending to the coals. There are all sorts of ways to wipe out an entire neighborhood block if you misuse your grill. Let alone the risk of setting everything on fire, imagine the consequences of some undercooked pork at the neighborhood block party. An otherwise quiet day in suburbia would devolve into chaos with the streets covered in soccer mom spew.

It's those potentially catastrophic consequences of grilling that make it appealing to men. It's a risky, adventurous way to accomplish a task that could otherwise be completed in the safe (read: boring) confines of a microwave. Every episode of successful grilling makes man more of a superhero in his own mind. That's precisely why you ladies need to watch for those telltale signs that you're losing touch with hubby when the weather breaks and the man-cooking season begins.

Humor Hero Beats Swine Flu, Returns to Blogosphere

Guadalajara, Mexico - Unpopular humorist, Humor Hero, has returned to the Blogosphere after two months in a Guadalajaran quarantine with swine flu. The blogger was reportedly planning a spring break celebration in Acapulco, but he never made it that far.

En route to the coastal Mexican city, Humor Hero visited a pig farm owned by Smithfield Foods Company, binging on pork products, mostly of the cured and salted variety. It's suspected that a package of El Miño chorizo is the source of the flu outbreak but this hasn't been confirmed.

In light of the news, CDC influenza expert, Joseph Bresee, M.D. affirmed that irresponsible and careless behavior, particularly in Mexico, often causes sickness to spread. "If you've ever seen the Corona commercial with the Cinco de Mayo celebration going on in the background, I'd estimate that 87% of those people have herpes," said Bresee.

Mexican President, Felipe Calderón, took issue with Bresee's comments. "99% of all the fun Americans have is because of Mexico. Whether it be our rich cultural tradition, our attractive vacation spots, our parties or our thriving drug trade. Name one of these things that you have in America!"

The debate on how to deal with the flu epidemic continues to rage in the United States where pundits have been arguing over the best response. On one side, President Obama has suggested a delicate public relations campaign starting with an Anti-Swine Flu Facebook page. His rivals believe stronger action is required.

Former Republican presidential candidate, John McCain believes a nationwide bio-dome structure, which would separate American air from foreign air would be best. "This method requires a large initial investment, but effectively eliminates the possibility of any other monkey or pig diseases from affecting our people."

Humor Hero agrees. "There's some crazy stuff going around these days. You can't put a price on public health. I'm just happy to be alive right now. They told me not to eat the worm in the Mezcal and I should have listened. I don't remember much of what happened after that. The last two months have been a blur."

Despite the harrowing ordeal, Humor Hero plans to return to the region. "Swine flu or not, I had the time of my life. I'll be back for Dia de los Muertos," he said.

In Memoriam, Socks The Cat

(Washington) Former First Cat, Socks, was euthanized on Friday after a valiant battle with cancer. He was 19 years old.

Once a stray, Socks grew up on the streets of Little Rock, Arkansas where his black and white coloring made it hard for him to function in the racially divided city. At age two and a half, Socks was convicted of larceny and heroin possession in a cat burglary gone wrong. Released a year later on good behavior, trouble found Socks again. He was charged with voluntary dogslaughter with a firearm for killing his former lover, a Yorkshire Terrier, minutes after discovering the Yorkie with an unneutered Rottweiler.

Socks' luck turned when he was released from prison for the second time. Former first daughter Chelsea Clinton adopted the cat during her father's tenure as Governor of Arkansas. Socks was unaccustomed to the life of lavish luxury, but he used the opportunity to make something of himself.

Largely credited with the Feline Equality Movement of the early 90s, during the Clinton presidency, Socks tackled the issue of domestic animal impartiality. His cause drew expected criticism from the canine community which had long enjoyed the preferential treatment of humans across the globe. Socks' hard work paid off, as the percentage of humans preferring dogs to cats dropped from 95% to 93% in two short years. His efforts were compromised during the Bush administration when Barney the Scottish Terrier came to the White House. Barney happened to be a distant relative of Socks' former Yorkshire Terrier companion.

The unfortunate coincidence sent Socks into downward spiral of binge drinking and drug abuse until he appeared on the first season of AETV's Intervention. After successful treatment for his addictions, he moved back in with former Clinton White House Secretary, Betty Currie, who he had lived with periodically after leaving the Oval Office.

His renewed outlook on life was immediately apparent, as he spoke at numerous inner city schools about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. He was soon appointed to a position at The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and testified as an expert witness at the Michael Vick dogfighting trial. Legal experts agree that his testimony alone, convicted the former NFL quarterback. In 2008, he was given the honorary title of President of the University of Chicago School of Social Service Administration.

A second book about Socks, entitled The Audacity of Catnip was scheduled to be published in May. Calls to the book's publisher were not returned, but a prerecorded message said, "Socks touched many lives and was a blessing to all of us. His path wasn't always easy, but his will was unrelenting. He will be sorely missed." Indeed he will.

Thanks Brett!

I'd like to issue a formal statement of gratitude to Brett Favre for taking the first step en route to fulfillment of the New Year's resolution I recommended for him. God bless you, Brett "No one has pronounced my surname correctly for the duration of my 16-year NFL career." We (won't) miss you in Chicago. You're retiring for real this time though, right? OK, good. Are you sure? OK. Really?