What I Gave Thanks For This Year

Thanksgiving is a great holiday. I don't need an excuse to eat like Hurley Reyes, but when I have one, I take advantage, to the tune of three desserts or more. After my annual viewing of the Ford Family's most dismal failure, I slip in and out of consciousness. My food and alcohol induced semi-coma leads to a peaceful meditation on what I've been thankful for over the past year. This holiday, I gave thanks for the vocabulary of political banter.

This election year I heard a lot of words I didn't know and other words used in ways I never thought possible. I expect to put these new words to use on this blog in the future, starting with this post:

Pundit: "Pundit" was a staple of the nightly political news programs. The word doesn't sound flattering, but a pundit is apparently a political expert. Coincidentally, it's a few letters away from "idiot." John McCain was not at all impressed with the pundits. In several of his speeches he railed that, "Pundits have written us off, just as they have before and my opponent is measuring the drapes in the White House. They might not know it, but the Mac is back! We’re going to win this election!" Shortly thereafter, his opponent measured the drapes in the White House.

Redistributionist: During his presidential campaign, John McCain told several crowds that Barack Obama wanted to be "redistributionist in-chief." I had never heard the word "redistributionist," but McCain implied that this would be worse than the jackassutionist in-chief who is currently in office. As it turned out McCain was right about one thing. Obama is a redistributionist. He redistributed the colors on the electoral map, making 365 of those votes blue.

Wonk: This is the sound I hear before my dog and I chase those disgusting excuses for birds out of my backyard. The word is defined as a person who takes an excessive interest in minor details of political policy. I'm pretty sure this is how politicians call their colleagues "nerds." I'm confident that no one has ever used this as a descriptor for George W. Bush.

Vetting: I had never heard this word before but thought it was obviously the process all men undergo as they approach 40 and evaluate their lives. They've got a wife, three kids, two Dodge Caravans, an un-potty-trained dog and a house with a fenced in yard. They realize that they haven't done anything exciting in about, oh, however many years they've been married. They act out by drinking excessively, dressing in jeans that have been pre-ripped at the knees, joining local garage bands with other similar men and buying used Corvettes. God help me if that's not the definition of "vetting" given at the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The pundits would have you believe that "vetting" is a classy word for "background check."

Main Street: There is a ubiquitous street in America called Main Street. This street represents the hopes and fears of every American. There are barbershops, lemonade stands, Greek-owned restaurants and trustworthy neighborhood businessmen. The birth of suburbia squelched the Main Street ideal about 50 years ago, but the Street was reborn as presidential candidates battled for support of a bill that put $750 billion dollars into the hands of white collar criminals. Americans were assured that such a bill could not pass without help for Main Street. Main Street responded by trampling a man to death at Wal-Mart. (Note to future Black Friday Wal-Mart shoppers: No need to break down doors and murder a man to get a great deal at Wal-Mart. That store has cheap crap you don't need every day.)

Bailout: As alluded to above, this is the term used to describe the fleecing of the American taxpayer by the loaded rich people who used to work on Wall Street before they destroyed the country's financial system. Though there has been no explanation as to why these cheats have not been sent to Guantanamo Bay, rest assured that the government is only giving their employers money because the economic stability of this great nation depends on it.

Tap: When I read the headline: "Michelle Obama Taps Jackie Norris..." I thought Barack Obama had his first real scandal on his hands. It's not that the White House is immune to lascivious controversies, but how could this happen before inauguration day? And between two women? That had to be a first, even for political families. My definition of "tap" came from the context of the Megan McCauley song "Tap That." I had no idea she was talking about assigning someone to political office.

Apply for Your Piece of the Bailout Pie

A couple weeks ago I shared ideas to save money in these turbulent economic times. If eating dangerous quantities of Spam doesn't appeal to you, there is another remedy. As opposed to saving money and planning for your future, take a page out of Corporate America's book. Go to Capital Hill and beg for spare change.

You may tell yourself, "That would be a waste of time. They'll never give me anything." Last month, you also probably said, "The government would never give away $700 billion to companies employing the richest people on earth with a plan hacked together in a few weeks. Why should common folk be responsible for saving the so-called 'financial experts' who created this mess?" Touché.

Your first step is to hire a lobbyist. Look for someone dressed like a used car salesman whose breath smells like high-priced hookers and free all-inclusive alcohol. Do not confuse this person with an unemployed investment banker. These should be avoided, as they will bogart any bailout funds secured on your behalf, then stab you and drink your blood to add insult to injury. Upon your grizzly death, they'll set up a memorial fund in your honor and embezzle from it. (Bailout by death is a little extreme even for this tasteless blog.)

Step two is to impress upon your new lobbyist the gravity of your financial situation and your complete lack of control over it. Leave out the details. No one needs to know that 94% of your retirement funds are invested in pinball machines. No one needs to know that you've missed your last ten mortgage payments. No one needs to know that you've been making crappy cars for the past thirty years, which has completely ruined your reputation, making recovery from a financial disaster such as this nearly impossible. Recite the following, "I'm running out of money and there's nothing I can do about it."

Next, put on your best Karl Rove hat and publicly fear-monger like you never have before.  The stench of self-absorbed manipulation will wear off over time and you'll be richer for it. Explain the consequences of your potential financial ruin. Your family will suffer and if your family suffers, your neighbors and coworkers will suffer and if those people suffer, they'll quit their jobs. They'll have no money to put into the economy and they'll lose their homes. All of the businesses that lacked the foresight to prepare for a possible recession and paid their CEOs millions for masterminding the indiscriminate distribution of store credit to every shirt-wearing Joe Six Pack will fold up. What will be left of America?

Finally, rest your case and watch the dollars roll in. It's going to happen for Detroit soon. Why shouldn't it happen for you? 

Or are you one of those poor Americans who turns lemons into lemonade? Are you one of those overachievers who gets laid off and pounds the pavement to find another lower-paying job (or two if required). Are you one of those dopes who scrapes by on the pennies earned through odd jobs and an open mind. Are you one of those saps who gets suckered into going back to school and taking on a financial burden to invest in yourself? And you call yourself an American...

Preview of the New AE Series: "Flip This Vote"

Did our democratic process get lost in the 70s? What the hell is this thing? A modified 8-track player? In the richest country in the world, a place where cars can almost drive themselves, movies can be ordered from the couch and the temperature of my house is set to a specific degree automatically, how is it possible that the election of our next president depends on this half-baked, glorified cash register? This reminds me of a toy I used to have as a child. It was designed by Playskool and called the Alphie II:

The most hilarious part is that the voting machine has to be "calibrated" to count your vote properly. Aw, snap, bring in the German engineers. Those stupid Americans are trying to cast ballots again. If this were 1950 and we were experimenting with the first ever implementation of a touchscreen technology, I could understand the lack of accuracy. But no. This is 2008. Imagine the consequences of such crappy technology used in other sectors.

This is like going to the ATM, selecting "Withdrawal" and having frozen peas ejected at your crotch. This is like selecting a route on your Garmin portable GPS and having it sing, "It's Raining Men." This is like trying to send a text message on your iPhone and having a prostate exam scheduled instead.

Thankfully all of this nonsense will end this Tuesday, one way or another. Half of us claiming we'll move out of the country if Obama wins will do absolutely nothing if it happens. The other half of us claiming we'll march on Washington if McCain is elected will likewise do nothing. Either the evil socialist or the evil stepson of George Bush will take the reins. People will forget about Bill the Terrorist Ayers and Joe the Unlicensed Plumber. Wednesday will still be a historic day for the country though: the return to business as usual.

Surviving the Economic Slowdown

The global economy is a shambles. Exhibit A: AIG executives now have to borrow money from the government for their spa treatments and hunting retreats. Exhibit B: Over the past three weeks, the Dow Jones market chart has looked like Dick Cheney's electrocardiogram.

Exhibit C: One day, Joe the Plumber planned to buy the business for $250,000. The next day he didn't have a plumbing license, owed back taxes, and was named Sam.

How can we make ends meet during tough financial times (not technically a "recession," but "tough financial times, during which the fundamentals of our economy are strong")? Read on for five tips to survive whatever the hell is going on right now.

Live in One of John McCain's Homes: Remember when John McCain stumbled over a question of how many homes he owns? There are two ways to react to this. We can chastise McCain for his senility or for being completely out of touch with mainstream America, OR we can profit from his ignorance. There's a distinct possibility that people whose homes have been foreclosed on during this financial debacle can move into one of McCain's homes with no consequence. If he doesn't know he owns them, he certainly won't question other people living in them. Why limit this to foreclosures? Bogged down by that interest-only loan and plummeting real estate prices? Move into a McCain home! Just plain sick of paying for room and board? Move into a McCain home! He won't kick you out until at least November 4. Being a rotten landlord doesn't help anyone at the polls.

Regift: It happens to everyone. Feeling like a little kid on Christmas morning, you open a gift that turns out to be a psychedelically painted chip and dip tray. Dammit. You wanted an iPod. What are you going to do with this thing? Well, if you're like most Americans, this Christmas is going to be a lean one. You certainly can't afford a gift for every relative, least of all Aunt Ruthie. Aunt Ruthie happens to love psychedelically painted partyware. Ditch that dud of a gift and make her Christmas dreams come true. That's what I call killing two birds with one stone and zero dollars.

Stock Up on Gas Today: Whoa Nelly, gas is ALL THE WAY DOWN to $3.00 per gallon. Yes, four years ago gas barely ever broke $2.00 per gallon, but that was before over half of you voted for George "my only energy policy is to smoke the terrorists out of their caves" Bush AGAIN! Nowadays, high gas prices are expected. You know it's going to be $6.00 per gallon next summer whether you want to believe it or not. Ready your gas cans folks. Get it before you have to cash out your retirement fund to pay for it. Wait, your retirement fund doesn't exist anymore. See Exhibit A above. Sorry.

Eat More Spam: Spam was made for economic slowdowns. The prevailing thought in the food industry is "if it can be easily processed and mass produced, it can be sold dirt cheap." What could be processed more easily than spam? The recipe is simple. You take meat from a pig, sugar, salt, water, potato starch and sodium nitrate, fashion it into a small rectangle, stuff it into a can and sell it for $2.75. Spam is extremely versatile and according to Hormel, can last forever as long as the seal of the can is not broken. "It's like meat with a pause button," they say. Unfortunately, my completely nauseated digestive tract has no pause button.

Cancel Your Cable. Watch TV Online: There are thousands of hours of free "programming" on the Internet (my check from the porn industry should be arriving any day now). Many networks offer full episodes of their shows for free online viewing. Television news shows pull content from YouTube almost daily. Why not go directly to the source? The best part is you'll never have to hear this again: "This is an automated message from your cable company. We have scheduled service for tomorrow between the hours of 8 a.m. and whenever the hell we get around to coming over. The bot reciting this message truly appreciates your business."

Employing one or all of these ideas can keep more money in your pocket, where it belongs. (I mean that literally. A hole under your mattress would work too.) Send me a small donation of $19.99 for my book which covers countless money saving tips, and I will personally guarantee your family's financial security.

This is Not the Year

Aaaaaaaaaand there's always next year. Cubs lose! Cubs lose! Cubs lose!