Study: Self-Inflicted Spork to Eye Injuries Increase As Cubs Season Nears End

A recent study published by the Mental Health Association of Greater Chicago suggests a relationship between self-inflicted spork to eye injuries and the Chicago Cubs dwindling playoff hopes. Michael Rossenberger, professor of Psychology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, says the trend is startling.

"Starting in 2003, just before the Cubs sensational collapse against the Marlins in the National League Championship Series, we started collecting data from 3,000 patients suffering from eye injuries caused by the plastic fork-spoon hybrid. Of those patients, 2,978 had caused their own injuries and 2,977 of them occurred between September 1 and October 17. That accounts for roughly 99.2% of all spork to eye punctures we looked at," said Rossenberger.

Over the course of the five year study, doctors struggled to find a common thread linking the patients. "The people were between the ages of 6 and 96. Income levels were across the board. Some had insurance and a few did not. There was really no smoking gun."

But as years past and the study continued, Susan Ranje, a nurse at Chicago Lakeshore Hospital noticed something. "In reviewing each of the patients' charts, every one of them complained of seasonal depression. It wasn't the typical 'winter blues' either. These people were quietly suffering every fall, when the leaves started changing. That seemed strange to me - especially for the pre-adolescent patients."

In response to Ranje's concern, doctors prepared a 250 question survey for all of the affected participants. The survey asked seemingly innocuous questions about eating habits, work life, and leisure activities specifically in the months of September and October. Amazingly, 2,977 patients noted that they were fans of the Chicago Cubs.

"You almost never get an outcome so resounding in mental health studies," said Rossenberger. "It was like the baseball gods were hitting us on the head."

Why Cubs fans are sporking their eyeballs in droves is a mystery that has yet to be solved. "We're thinking there are three possible causes," said Rossenberger. "This could be a response to the depression these people are feeling. Depression often manifests itself in physically destructive ways."

"It could also be a sort of obsessive-compulsive behavior after each game the Cubs lose during a hotly contested division race or an unsuccessful playoff series. A traumatic event like Game 6 of the '03 NLCS often triggers a compulsive response that stays with the person for years."

"Or maybe it's just as simple as these people not wanting to be able to see the Cubs play anymore. They reach a breaking point, beyond which there's no return."

Rossenberger plans to continue the study over the next decade to zero in on the patients' motives, but he warns that this behavior could become more widespread with time.

"Until the Cubs win the big one, more and more people will be having these negative reactions to their end of season exploits. This season isn't looking good, and I would expect many more cases within the next few weeks, as it becomes a mathematical impossibility that they'll make the playoffs."

Obama Suggests Applying Cash For Clunkers To Health Care

Grand Junction, CO: At his third town hall meeting of the week in Grand Junction, Colorado yesterday, President Obama responded to what he called "simply dishonest" criticism of his health care plan by Republicans. Opponents of the plan have repeatedly claimed that new measures would create "death panels" to euthanize elderly loved ones. Naturally, the senior community has grown suspicious and angry about the plan.

In light of the recent success of the Cash for Clunkers program, Obama put a new spin on the health care debate, suggesting that the same principles could apply. "I know what it's like to watch somebody you love, who's aging, deteriorate, and have to struggle with that," said the President, in reference to his late grandmother who passed during his campaign for election. "But wouldn't it be easier to deal with if the government gave each of grandma's immediate family members $4,500?" he asked.

The newly introduced portion of the health care reform bill would offer cash incentives to "take care of" elderly family members (a.k.a. clunkers) who generally cost the most to treat and insure. The legislation would only apply to people between the ages of 60 and 100 with high maintenance costs and below average anticipated mileage (or life expectancy).

To qualify for the cash rebate, the clunker's immediate family must prove to be in relatively good health as certified by a licensed family medical practitioner. If an actuary can demonstrate that each family member is expected to live for between four and ten more years without significant medical attention, that family member will receive a check for $3,500. If the relative is expected to live more than 10 years without medical attention, that person will receive $4,500.

Under the new proposal, Dick Cheney's family would have qualified for cash in 1988 after his third heart attack. George W. Bush's family would not yet qualify, despite his near death experience after falling off of a Segway Scooter while holding a tennis racket in 2003. Surprisingly, despite her relative youth, Sarah Palin would qualify for the government assisted euthanasia as a result of the frontal lobotomy she received shortly after birth.

Critics argue that the Cash for Clunkers health care bill merely rebrands the aforementioned death panels, but supporters believe that the money saved in insurance and medical bills for chronically sick, elderly people could fund a public health care option until the year 2065. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has already announced its support for the idea, predicting that accident rates on public roads will decrease dramatically as a result of the proposed legislation.

One democrat who isn't sold on the plan is Florida Governor, Charlie Crist, who believes his state's population would dip precipitously. Analysts project that approximately four residents of the Sunshine State would survive the new bill.

Stay tuned for continuing coverage as the health care debate rages on.

Four Lessons Learned From Recent Celebrity Deaths

The rash of recent celebrity deaths over the past two weeks and my Independence Day viewing of Gran Torino (SPOILER ALERT: Clint Eastwood gets his brains blown out at the end of the movie) had me looking for context in the wake of significant loss. What does it all mean? How are we supposed to feel? How does a 79-year-old man like Clint, who has produced numerous American classics, react when the giggly masses flock to Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs on Fourth of July weekend?

In my search for meaning I came up with the following lessons we can take from these difficult days.

Accusations of Pedophilia Fade Away If You're A Musical Phenom:

Dateline NBC often dedicates an entire hour of programming to Chris Hansen's show, To Catch a Predator. America watches as the seemingly clueless pedophiles stroll into a house expecting to take advantage of an underaged kid. Chris pops out of the woodwork with a microphone and cameras and asks the visitors what business they have in the house. Usually they're "delivering cookies," or "looking for jobs," or "trying to teach kids not to give out personal information on the Internet." As they leave, the cops pounce on them in the driveway and confiscate condoms and Coors Light from their cars. Next stop: National Sex Offender Registry.

Chris Hansen's web would never catch any of these creeps if they happened to be the main attraction of the Thriller video. They could simply build a sprawling mansion on a property named after an island in the Peter Pan fairytale, add a bunch of kiddie attracting carnival rides and let the sleepovers begin! Not to mention that Al Sharpton would come to their defense if anyone so much as questioned their intentions. If you invent a musical genre like Michael Jackson did, you can do no wrong.

Professional Athletes Having Mistresses Is Now Socially Acceptable:

I was sitting in a restaurant on Saturday when some shocking news scrolled across the bottom of the TV screen above me. ESPN reported that former NFL quarterback Steve McNair and his girlfriend had suffered fatal gunshot wounds. "What a terrible story," I thought. It seemed so random that a guy who had never made the news for the wrong reasons ended up being shot and killed so young.

As the details emerged, the story made a bit more sense. Steve's "girlfriend" was actually his "mistress." Steve had a wife and four kids and his lover suspected he was cheating on her with yet a third woman. Tabloids would refer to this as a "love parallelogram." Yet the rosy accounts of Steve's personal life continued to roll in. He was an asset to the community, a great father (save for the boinking of every third woman in Nashville), and most importantly, a model football player. There you have it. If you're a professional athlete, adultery is OK.

God Loves Infomercials:

When pitchman Billy Mays died, it was initially thought that his death may have been caused by a head trauma suffered while onboard a plane experiencing a rough landing. An autopsy later revealed that he died from heart disease and was taking the correct dosage of prescription pain killers for hip discomfort. While Billy can be accused of failing to impart upon Michael Jackson the importance of following the directions on the pill bottle, he otherwise appeared to be an average guy hellbent on keeping me awake at 2:30 in the morning with his OxyClean ads.

When looking for a reason why Billy passed, there's not too much to go on, save for a little plaque in the arteries and the strong possibility that God uses Mighty MendIt and wanted to thank Billy in person. I've never needed anything "As Seen on TV," but Billy's pitches made it hard to resist. Just typing this reminds me that I want some Hercules Hooks. They hold up to 150 pounds!

In Death, Even The Worst Men Are Made Heroes:

Michael Jackson may have been a predator, but no one can deny his contributions to music or his sick dance moves. Steve McNair was an adulterer, but on the football field, he played through more pain than any of us can imagine. Billy Mays had one of the most abrasive voices in television history, but he introduced us to some of the coolest products available for $19.99. Clint Eastwood's character in Gran Torino was an intolerant racist, but in the end, he made the ultimate sacrifice for an unlikely beneficiary. Are any of our perceptions about these characters entirely true? No. Like every other human, they have the capacity for tremendous good, and tremendous evil. But in the deaths of others, we see the fragility and conflict in our own lives. It seems only natural that we magnify their positive qualities and gloss over their flaws, however egregious they are. We're human too.

The Only Perfect Marriage: Man and Grill

I know this is hard to swallow ladies, but honesty is the first step to coping with your man's infidelities. The beautiful summer weather brings great temptation. It starts with a wandering eye in the backyard. The scent of her draws him in. It's not long before they form a steamy, epicurean tornado of sizzle and toe curling pleasure. By then it's too late. Your man has dumped you for another grill.

The bond between man and grill is time tested. Fire was man's first invention. I'm reasonably certain that barbecued mammoth was his second invention. The thought of an open flame is exciting to any male human. We put fireplaces in homes with highly efficient modern HVAC systems. Why? Because we like everything about fire. The look, the sound, and the heat generated by it make our inner cavemen happy.

Using an open flame to cook is a recipe for lustful engagement. Not only does it make a man feel useful in that he can finally make a meal for his family and friends, but it puts him in touch with his inner pyro. This is the character that quietly urges him to say "Screw you Smokey, I'm going to set this whole national park alight!" Thank God for grills.

There's no limit to what man can do with a grill either. You can burn all of those annoying credit card offers and "extended car warranty opportunities." You can give off smoke signals to your fellow grill-masters. You can roll it into your yard and keep people warm on a cold evening. It's like a Leatherman multi-tool, only better, because it's more dangerous.

Ah, sweet, delicious danger. If grilling appealed to man for no other reason, danger would keep him tending to the coals. There are all sorts of ways to wipe out an entire neighborhood block if you misuse your grill. Let alone the risk of setting everything on fire, imagine the consequences of some undercooked pork at the neighborhood block party. An otherwise quiet day in suburbia would devolve into chaos with the streets covered in soccer mom spew.

It's those potentially catastrophic consequences of grilling that make it appealing to men. It's a risky, adventurous way to accomplish a task that could otherwise be completed in the safe (read: boring) confines of a microwave. Every episode of successful grilling makes man more of a superhero in his own mind. That's precisely why you ladies need to watch for those telltale signs that you're losing touch with hubby when the weather breaks and the man-cooking season begins.

Humor Hero Beats Swine Flu, Returns to Blogosphere

Guadalajara, Mexico - Unpopular humorist, Humor Hero, has returned to the Blogosphere after two months in a Guadalajaran quarantine with swine flu. The blogger was reportedly planning a spring break celebration in Acapulco, but he never made it that far.

En route to the coastal Mexican city, Humor Hero visited a pig farm owned by Smithfield Foods Company, binging on pork products, mostly of the cured and salted variety. It's suspected that a package of El Miño chorizo is the source of the flu outbreak but this hasn't been confirmed.

In light of the news, CDC influenza expert, Joseph Bresee, M.D. affirmed that irresponsible and careless behavior, particularly in Mexico, often causes sickness to spread. "If you've ever seen the Corona commercial with the Cinco de Mayo celebration going on in the background, I'd estimate that 87% of those people have herpes," said Bresee.

Mexican President, Felipe Calderón, took issue with Bresee's comments. "99% of all the fun Americans have is because of Mexico. Whether it be our rich cultural tradition, our attractive vacation spots, our parties or our thriving drug trade. Name one of these things that you have in America!"

The debate on how to deal with the flu epidemic continues to rage in the United States where pundits have been arguing over the best response. On one side, President Obama has suggested a delicate public relations campaign starting with an Anti-Swine Flu Facebook page. His rivals believe stronger action is required.

Former Republican presidential candidate, John McCain believes a nationwide bio-dome structure, which would separate American air from foreign air would be best. "This method requires a large initial investment, but effectively eliminates the possibility of any other monkey or pig diseases from affecting our people."

Humor Hero agrees. "There's some crazy stuff going around these days. You can't put a price on public health. I'm just happy to be alive right now. They told me not to eat the worm in the Mezcal and I should have listened. I don't remember much of what happened after that. The last two months have been a blur."

Despite the harrowing ordeal, Humor Hero plans to return to the region. "Swine flu or not, I had the time of my life. I'll be back for Dia de los Muertos," he said.