Thanksgiving is a great holiday. I don't need an excuse to eat like Hurley Reyes, but when I have one, I take advantage, to the tune of three desserts or more. After my annual viewing of the Ford Family's most dismal failure, I slip in and out of consciousness. My food and alcohol induced semi-coma leads to a peaceful meditation on what I've been thankful for over the past year. This holiday, I gave thanks for the vocabulary of political banter.
This election year I heard a lot of words I didn't know and other words used in ways I never thought possible. I expect to put these new words to use on this blog in the future, starting with this post:
Pundit: "Pundit" was a staple of the nightly political news programs. The word doesn't sound flattering, but a pundit is apparently a political expert. Coincidentally, it's a few letters away from "idiot." John McCain was not at all impressed with the pundits. In several of his speeches he railed that, "Pundits have written us off, just as they have before and my opponent is measuring the drapes in the White House. They might not know it, but the Mac is back! We’re going to win this election!" Shortly thereafter, his opponent measured the drapes in the White House.
Redistributionist: During his presidential campaign, John McCain told several crowds that Barack Obama wanted to be "redistributionist in-chief." I had never heard the word "redistributionist," but McCain implied that this would be worse than the jackassutionist in-chief who is currently in office. As it turned out McCain was right about one thing. Obama is a redistributionist. He redistributed the colors on the electoral map, making 365 of those votes blue.
Wonk: This is the sound I hear before my dog and I chase those disgusting excuses for birds out of my backyard. The word is defined as a person who takes an excessive interest in minor details of political policy. I'm pretty sure this is how politicians call their colleagues "nerds." I'm confident that no one has ever used this as a descriptor for George W. Bush.
Vetting: I had never heard this word before but thought it was obviously the process all men undergo as they approach 40 and evaluate their lives. They've got a wife, three kids, two Dodge Caravans, an un-potty-trained dog and a house with a fenced in yard. They realize that they haven't done anything exciting in about, oh, however many years they've been married. They act out by drinking excessively, dressing in jeans that have been pre-ripped at the knees, joining local garage bands with other similar men and buying used Corvettes. God help me if that's not the definition of "vetting" given at the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The pundits would have you believe that "vetting" is a classy word for "background check."
Main Street: There is a ubiquitous street in America called Main Street. This street represents the hopes and fears of every American. There are barbershops, lemonade stands, Greek-owned restaurants and trustworthy neighborhood businessmen. The birth of suburbia squelched the Main Street ideal about 50 years ago, but the Street was reborn as presidential candidates battled for support of a bill that put $750 billion dollars into the hands of white collar criminals. Americans were assured that such a bill could not pass without help for Main Street. Main Street responded by trampling a man to death at Wal-Mart. (Note to future Black Friday Wal-Mart shoppers: No need to break down doors and murder a man to get a great deal at Wal-Mart. That store has cheap crap you don't need every day.)
Bailout: As alluded to above, this is the term used to describe the fleecing of the American taxpayer by the loaded rich people who used to work on Wall Street before they destroyed the country's financial system. Though there has been no explanation as to why these cheats have not been sent to Guantanamo Bay, rest assured that the government is only giving their employers money because the economic stability of this great nation depends on it.
Tap: When I read the headline: "Michelle Obama Taps Jackie Norris..." I thought Barack Obama had his first real scandal on his hands. It's not that the White House is immune to lascivious controversies, but how could this happen before inauguration day? And between two women? That had to be a first, even for political families. My definition of "tap" came from the context of the Megan McCauley song "Tap That." I had no idea she was talking about assigning someone to political office.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
What I Gave Thanks For This Year
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12:27 PM
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Labels: Bailout, Barack Obama, Detroit Lions, Electoral, Ford, John McCain, Main Street, Observational Humor, Political Humor, Pundit, Redistributionist, Tap, Thanksgiving, Turkey, Vetting, Wonk
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Apply for Your Piece of the Bailout Pie
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10:37 AM
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Labels: American spirit, Bailout, financial crisis, GM, Observational Humor, Political Humor, recession, spam
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Preview of the New AE Series: "Flip This Vote"

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8:08 AM
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Labels: Barack Obama, Democrat, Election, Joe Biden, Joe the Plumber, John McCain, Observational Humor, polls, Republican, Sarah Palin, touchscreen, vote, vote flipping, voting machine
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Surviving the Economic Slowdown
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6:45 PM
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Labels: AIG, Economic Slowdown, financial crisis, foreclosure, gas prices, George Bush, Joe the Plumber, John McCain, money, Observational Humor, recession, retirement fund, spam
Saturday, October 4, 2008
This is Not the Year
Aaaaaaaaaand there's always next year. Cubs lose! Cubs lose! Cubs lose!
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10:27 PM
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Labels: baseball, Chicago Cubs, Observational Humor, sports humor

